catapult magazine

I was wondering what different peoples views were on sex before marriage are, and what the Bible has to say about it. Is it ok if you two as a couple make the vows of marriage together and mean it without actually going through the ceremony? This could be for a number of reasons should it be age, money, or other life circumstances? Do you have to go before the alter and spend the thousands of dollars on a wedding before you can become intimate with your significant other? Just something that I?ve dealt with and am dealing with in my life and was wondering others opinions on the subject. Also if it is a sin to do so before being married must you stop and wait?

I think there’s a fundamental difference between marriage and a wedding. My wife and I knew we were getting married far before we actually walked down the aisle. We had made a commitment to eachother and to God that this was a permanent and loving relationship. Because we did this together and made a promise to God before our service I think we would have been justified in having sex before our wedding. We did end up waiting until we went through the motions publicly, but I don’t see that as absolutely essential. I think biblically, an emphasis is put on knowing one other person in the context of a larger biblical reference, Christ and the church. Knowing the responsibility that sex (fully knowing somebody else) envokes, necessitates a commitment before God. Whether that happens inside or outside a church or court room really doesn’t seem to make much of a difference to me.

If two people have committed to saying their vows in the future, what better way to put a downpayment on that commitment than to stick to something like abstinence until that day. Certainly there is much gray area when it comes to this, but building a relationship upon a strong commitment (waiting to have sex) sets a great precedent for a relationship. Such a commitment allows a couple to trust eachother that they can follow through on commitments. It might seem more logical to start a relationship by living together and seeing if it works out, but statistics show that basing a relationship on this non-committal attitude often leads to break-ups and seldom leads to lasting marriages.

Good point about research and divorce Grant. I’m going to add to the grey area a little bit though. What is sex? Is sex inappropriate but heavy petting acceptible? Oral sex? While I agree with you Grant about the concept of “the long haul” and pledging allegiance to eachother by waiting, the traditional Christian view of no sex and no “heavy” (whatever that means) physical contact before marriage seems a bit difficult to handle considering the wedding night is romanticized about how beautiful and wonderful it will be if you do wait.
That was a really long sentence. Sorry.
Anyway, I don’t want to make it sound that I’m completely cynical to what I see as the church’s position. My wife and I waited, and I’m happy we did.

Just raised an interesting issue I wanted to touch on a minute before it becomes buried in the early moments of this thread. Just pointed out that it seems rediculous to have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to show off your committment to each toher. i couldn’t agree more. The Bible certainly makes no provision for having twelve attendents and hundreds of dollars worth or flowers and a catered dinner and on and on and on.

My wife and I got married in a church. A lot of friends came. Instead of flowers, we had balloons (helium tank from party store at the time cost about fifteen bucks. Balloons are cheap. Our attendents wore handmade dresses — we picked the fabric, they picked the pattern. They guys wore matching pants and ties — no tuxes. The food at the reception was made mostly by use (especailly my mother-in-law’s amazing cheesecake.) The reception was under a rented tent on the church lawn — for entertainment we had a pinyata for the kids.

Was our cheap wedding every bit as legitimate as an expensive one? Of course. I felt like it was an amazing thing to have my committment to my amazing wife witnessed by a swarm of friends and relatives. It was a comingg together of two families, two communities, into one.

Let me say one other thing about marriage as opposed to living-together-ness. I believe that the public committment brings with it a certain sort of trust and freedom from jealousy. I love and trust my wife. I know that she will be there the next morning. She knows that i will be as well. If we were living together, the only thing that keeps me from walking out the door is my mood at the moment. Sounds like a pretty wretched existence.

Pretty much every single Christian couple I know has asked this same question. At a certain point in a relationship it does start to seem ridiculous to hold off having sex when you are already committed to marriage in every other way. However, unmarried, young couples (committed as they may be) are generally not well prepared to deal with the possible outcomes of having sex (i.e. baby). Like BBC said, the public commitment really does bring a level of trust and freedom that is just not there until the vows are made. It’s sort of odd, but you can definitely feel a difference in the relationship after the ceremony. Until then, you really can’t be absolutely one hundred percent sure that you two are going to stay together, and unexpected struggles (such as having a baby) can really test a relationship. It also shows a respect for the other person: that both parties are willing to hold off so that no unexpected harm might come from this act.

Do I think it’s a sin? I could probably argue that either way. But I do think that the wisest thing is to just hold out until the wedding day.

And in response to Norbert’s question about sex—I think that it’s really hard to determine what is appropriate for couples to do before marriage. There needs to be a balance and a flow in the process of getting to know each other: as you become intimate mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc., it also makes sense to get to know each other physically. (Not that most people have a problem with that last one.) I think that people can really sense, if they look hard at themselves, when they are doing things that are inappropriate for their relationship. On the other hand, completely squelching the physical part of a relationship can put a lot of stress on things—can make things feel very unbalanced. It’s really a sort of individual thing, I think—what some people can handle could be really damaging to others.

Thanks guys you all have some great points. I have not chosen to wait even though that may have been the best choice. I do not regret that decision since it has brought us closer physically and mentally. However I do see your points and I agree with the majority of them. If my girlfriend were to get pregnant things would be difficult, however I don’t feel that could possibly damage are relationship. It would just be an unexpected leap in a direction we may not have been ready to go in. If anyone has any more advice please post it up on the boards. Thank you all very much.

Ok , I understand the whole “spirit of the law” thing, but doesn’t the Bible say outright wait until marriage? Am I nuts for thinking that perhaps we should take some of what it says literally? Yes, it may seem ridiculous to hold off and there may be consequences aka babies, but shouldn’t we avoid it most importantly because we were told to? It doesn’t make much sense to me why I shouldn’t freely throw “fuck” into my sentences, but I still shouldn’t (even though I still do). I’m not trying to be judgmental and I don’t want to be legalistic here, but goodness…
And if the question then is, well, what is “marriage”?, I think its pretty clear that it’s a public commitment, not just something two people say to each other underneath the sheets in a dark room.
Man, now I feel like a Victorian. I’m not trying to be harsh or to make those people who have not waited and now regret it feel bad. You can say, Dave, where’s your compassion ? I understand this way of thinking, which is generally in reaction to staunch moralism and the condemnation that Christianity in the past is so famous for. But you can still hold yourself and other people accountable for sinning while practicing forgiveness. I’m all for that weird and wonderful thing called grace. It’s what sets Christianity apart from the world, but there’s no such thing as grace without the law.

See, I was wondering about this while I was writing my response. Does the Bible acutally say: “Wait until you get married to have sex?” I couldn’t remember any specific place. Is it there? Does anyone know off hand?

I don’t want to split hairs here, but what is public? And with Kristin, what are the exact verses in the Bible that say “Wait until marriage before having sex”? Again, I don’t want to sound like some hedonist, but I have wondered for a long time whether the waiting for a wedding/marriage thing was more Biblical or more churchy.
What is the difference between a marriage and a wedding? There has to be a difference.

A bit of historical trivia: The church did not get into the marriage business until well into the middle ages — somewhere around 1100AD — the same time that marriage was declared a sacrament. Til then weddings were mostly family affairs. And it wasn’t until much later that lower class people even had the option of church weddings.