catapult magazine

catapult magazine


advice for 28-year-olds


Oct 08 2007
05:22 pm

I agree with the "feeling of not achieving what you think you should have by now". These last couple posts have certainly resonated with me.

Part of my discontentment, it seems, is in wondering if I can ever live up to my Potential™ and my expectations. To myself, I feel like I’m living in my own shadow trying to get out of it, trying to be all I should be (but of course, not in an "ambitious" way :shock: ). Of course, potential seems to me related to the idea of Stewardship. We must make good with what we’ve been given. It’s probably not obvious to anyone else observing my life, but only God and I know the gap between what (I think) I could become and where I am now.

And I suppose that amounts to performance anxiety. Well, thank God for Grace, but even Grace should evoke a response of some kind from us. And since the response is never as perfect as it could be, even the response has to be Graciously accepted by God. As we strive, we rest, and as we rest we strive. The Apostle Paul said that Grace was God’s work so that we can’t boast, and yet he still "beat his body" to finish the race. Can there be an odder paradox?

Strangely enough, a song that’s been on my mind lately is one of Grant’s (and/or Joel’s?), "Before I Go":

"Before I go,
I want you to know
I want you to know
Before the doors to this world close
I’ll say what I can’t show

I want to be faithful
I want to be free
Yeah, you know me"

(All apologies if I’ve butchered the lyrics and/or radically subverted the song’s meaning.)

Obviously, the real rest is Heaven, but before then, I’d like to know that I’ve been faithful and free. I’ve been wrestling lately with the idea of contentment. How content should I be with where I am? Should I rest assured that I’m where I should be, or do I need a divine discontentment to keep moving forward? Should I expect and move toward change, or should I focus living as best I can where I am now? (Again, paradoxically, I suspect both.)