catapult magazine

I’m not exactly sure what category this fits into….

I’m the bald one on this week’s homepage (no longer bald!). A lot of people, I know, struggle with bad things happening to them. Many of my friends had questions for me about how I managed to deal with all the pain and disappointment that I faced last year. Writing an article is such a short, summarial, almost dismissive way of dealing with pain. It really doesn’t delve into the struggle that’s involved. So I just thought I’d open myself up (I don’t know if that was a good phrase or not) if anyone had any questions that at all related to my experience. They don’t have to be of a religious nature, either—I’m always happy to talk about myself and my experiences :-) If there’s anything you’ve ever wanted to know about being ill, doing Internet courses, losing your hair, eating hospital food, choosing the best flannel pants…. I’m an expert.

If you don’t have questions, I guess I’ll just conclude that I am the most amazing writer of articles that has ever lived.

Sheri,

Many of us have not been through the physical turbulence that you have experienced. The fact is that the majority of us have been blessed with rather healthy physical lives. On the other hand, I can say rather confidently, most of us have been emotionally damaged (either from time to time or constantly throughout our lives) which is a pain all of its own. My question to you is twofold:

1. How do you differentiate between coping with physical and emotional pain?

and

2. Do you find that some of these coping mechanisms are similar and would you share what you have found?

Thanks

I don’t think I can answer that completely without a great deal of thought, but here’s for starters…

I’ve found that physical pain is a lot easier to deal with than emotional pain—I think almost anyone would agree. Most physical pain can be dealt with (at least to some degree) using drugs. There was a period in which medication did nothing to dull my pain…at that time, the best I could do was to bear with it and try to distract myself. You can learn to live with a lot of physical pain—your mind adjusts its view of what is normal after a while, and pain doesn’t mean as much.

Emotional pain, on the other hand, dominates in a much more overwhelming way. It’s not something that you can easily distract yourself from, and the body does not seem to adjust to it as well. When you hurt emotionally, it is all you can think about. I think my main strategy for dealing with this was to talk about it—mostly with family, but occasionally with friends. I had days at a time where all I could talk about was my "why"s and my disappointments. Thankfully, I was blessed with a very patient family, and they listened to my endless attempts to deal with my anger and hurt. I moaned to God—yelled at him, even—just to be sure he was aware of my displeasure at my situation. But he chose to keep largely silent. He showed me small ways in which my struggle was making a difference in the lives of others, but chose not to fully answer my questions.

Somehow, sharing your hurts and having someone listen and sympathize makes a big difference. They don’t have to give you answers, they just need to listen. I never did find answers, but I finally managed to come to peace that, for some reason, God chose to put this event in my life. And even if he never reveals his reasons to me, I know he’s got a plan… But it takes a long time to come to peace with that.

Everyone has a different method of coping, but talking seemed to me mine. Is that what you were looking for?

Yes, in part. It seems that we as humans are so afflicted at times by emotional durress and have very few tools at hand to cope with what’s going on “on the inside”. I have always been interested in talking with people who have suffered physically, once they learn how to manage their physical discomfort, it seems they have a leg up on the emotional side as well. (Not always, but by in large according to my experience)

Yes there is something to be said about discussing what you are feeling with someone else. Sometimes just talking about helps you to discover new angles in which you are able to cope. Sometimes not.

Thanks for sharing!

Hi Sheri,

First of all, I am thankful that you are doing so well (as is my daughter who continues to pray for you — hope that is okay.)

Second, I know I owe to a real email. Soon and very soon.

Third, you mentioned in your last post that you shouted and moaned and generally were angry with God. When I tell my students that it is okay to be angry at God and yell at him, they are sometimes incredulous — even though I tell them that Psalms backs me up. Here’s my question, though, do you think there is a right way or a wrong way to express anger at God? Do you feel like one has to be appropriately respectful when doing so? (I reckon we could open this up to anybody else interested too).

Glad you have hair again!

—BBC

First of all, I wish a happy belated Thanksgiving to all!

BC—right about the e-mail. And my name is spelled with an “e”. But I still love you. In response to your question:

I’ve been told for years that God is my Heavenly Father. As such, I think I should treat him with the respect that I’d give to my earthly father. I may not always understand or agree with the decisions that my earthly dad makes, and I do have a right to express my frustration and anger to him, but I should do so in a way that still shows the respect he deserves. Granted, I do not always succeed at this endeavor, so I am sure there have been times that I have inappropriately reprimanded and/or whined to God, as well, but the ideal remains the same. In the end, we have to come to terms that we cannot change the decisions of our fathers—earthly or heavenly—and we must learn to cope with them and believe that they have our best interests at heart.

At times it is still hard for me to believe that it is okay to be angry with God. I think that anger and frustration is part of any healthy relationship, though—there are always miscommunications and other things that cause hurt, intentional or not. Since we are merely human, we cannot understand all that God does, and sometimes that causes us frustration. I think that he understands that and allows us to vent, kindly listening and shaking his head at our perceptions of his acts, hoping that someday we will understand, but knowing that even if we don’t, we will continue to walk with him because we know from experience that he is faithful (just like I know that even though you have failed to e-mail me for so long, and even forgotten how to spell my name, you haven’t forgotten me—you even have CBC pray for me nightly).

How do you explain it to your class? Do you agree with my analysis?

Thanks for that thoughtful, mature, and wise response.

No further questions, your honor.

I guess I have always held to the notion that God created us as emotional beings, and understands our frustrations with Him, and with life, at times.

I also believe that God is a big enough boy that He can handle our immature ranting and raving, and is always lovingly waiting for us to finish so He can hold us even tighter and love on us even more. I have had my moments where I have shaken my fist toward heaven in complete frustration only to find later in life that God knew exactly what He was doing, and it was ultimately for my betterment. (Is that a word?)

Hmmm. Yes, I agree, your Birdness, though I think it is also true that we can think a bit about how we should respond angrily to God — that is to say, how we ought to rant and rail. I think Sherica’s point about how she is respectfully angry toward her earthly father is a good one. They were times in my teenage years when I exploded at my father, but other times when I was respectfully angry. You are right, Bird, sometimes we just let it all out. But there are also other times when we can frame our angry protests — as David did sometimes.