catapult magazine

Top Ten re: angels/transformers

by Henry Kammer

Here?s a summary:

We know about angels. Those of us who know about Transformers, let us acknowledge one another.

Parallels exist between the imagined and semi-imagined worlds of Transformers and Angels. First, both parties have labeled hierarchies: choirs for angels, vocations for Transformers. Second, both wage war for the sake of humankind. Characters of varying power, claiming the ranks of either the good or evil, fight heartily, though evil?s defeat is imminent. Ultimately, truth is revealed, good triumphs and there?s enough jarring imagery to have any first-grader nightmaring about rapture trumps and planet-eating robots.

The list is personal, heavily influenced by my Christian upbringing and my unbridled allowance of afternoon cartoons. I found an explicit amount of rich lore in both and have been devising a way of consolidating all of it. There is no specific criterion for the choices of characters save my Sunday-school acquired bias, my fascination/dread of the spiritual realm, or my ownership of the plastic version in Christmas of 1988. Feel free to read between all the lines.

All my information is from Wikipedia, thus bolstering my credibility.

Top Ten Angelic Hosts or Transformers

1. Grimlock: Armor plated roaming giant. Grimlock arrived on earth via the Great Ark. Considered benevolent by most cultures but has been the accused of much city-leveling. Merited the list for supreme ferocity.
2. Sandalphon: The transfigured appearance of the prophet Elijah. Is described in some sacred Judaic works as being extreme in height: a traveler on foot would travel 500 years before reaching his head. Selected for unique ability to differentiate gender of children in the womb without the help of ultrasound.
3. Cherubim: Functional creature documented in Ezekiel as having qualities of both humans and birds. Utilized in the book of 2nd Samuel as a steed for YHWH Himself. Chosen for anointing Isaiah?s lips and inciting major prophecies.
4. Bumblebee: Secondary Autobot, known for stealth maneuvers, as opposed to the melee prowess exhibited by the aforementioned Grimlock. Chosen for his above-average intelligence, conversational skills and, thus consequential likeability.
5. Soundwave: Capable of storing vast amounts of recorded data, Soundwave is instrumental in the espionage circuit of the Decepticon alliance. Upon returning from reconnaissance missions, all acquired data is distributed once he assumes his fifty-foot boombox state. Chosen for his vocoded speech.
6. Metatron: Referred to by some scholars as the angelic form of the Old Testament figure Enoch and the self-proclaimed ?mouthpiece of God? by Kevin Smith. The twin being of Sandalphon, which pairs him with the other ascended human, Elijah. Higher in status because of his height over his twin. Chosen for his name.
7. Sahaquiel: Obscure archangel known only as the personified form of God?s ingenuity.
8. Starscream: The para-Lucifer of the Decepticons in his attempts to overthrow his superior, Megatron. Can travel at great speeds and speak in a ridiculously high register. Chosen for his steadfastness and inadvertent resurrection of Optimus Prime.
9. Optimus Prime: Known in the Far East as Convoy, and pre-creation astral history as Orion Pax. Arose from a career in cargo distribution to field the resistance against his the great aggressor, Megatron. Proven to be mortal, Prime is eventually terminated by Megatron in his pursuit of peace among humans and robots. Chosen for his blue-collar sensibility and leadership skills.
10. Michael: According to the Talmud, literally ?Who is like God? Believed by Jehovah?s Witnesses to be Jesus Himself, the character of Christ before the Incarnation. Though not specifically revealed in Revelation, it is likely that Michael is the angel that binds Satan in the pit for 1000 years. Chosen for his ubiquitous name usage on earth and his status as general of the heavenly hosts.